Let’s talk about body image.

We all have bodies. And they come in all shapes, sizes, colors, genders (or lack thereof) and other markers that might be important for the one or other person.

And those bodies are subjected to a whole lot.

There are those beauty ideals, standards, to which we are supposed to conform to in order to appear successful, loveable, desireable, beautiful, handsome, healthy, likeable, to have worth or not – for some some it even goes down to to judging someone to be worth being alive or not (ever heard those really crude jokes and remarks about fat or disabled people? No? Lucky you!). One would first think about women being subjected to this, and yes they are – but men, too suffer. Stereotypes are everywhere, and remarks, jokes, shame sometimes name calling don’t help with building a positive body image and being confident with ourselves, no matter what we look like.

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Are you alright?

World Mental Health Day was on october 10th. I had meant to write a post then, but I didn’t make it. But that doesn’t matter – shouldn’t every day be mental health day? The purpose of World Mental Health Day is raising awareness on mental health issues as well as advocacy against social stigma; this year’s theme is suicide prevention.

Some might say, “what social stigma?” – well for many people, myself included, it is easier to say “my leg is broken”, rather than, “my soul hurts”. Who wants to admit that they are weak, that there is something broken within them, that they need help? These aren’t neccessarily values that are hip in our society. You gotta be strong, cool, fierce, independant, always spotless and good-looking, stay young and dynamic, be successful in all fields – and stay that way, always. But life isn’t like that. At least not for everybody.

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Come out, come out, wherever you are!

Today is National Coming Out Day.

After having been in the closet most of my life and gone through conversion therapies and exorcisms, I finally came out last year together with my wife. I came out as lesbian, she came out as transgender. Only later in my journey did I come out as non-binary as well -not that I hadn’t been like this since my childhood, but I was lacking the vocabulary to say so.
What first seemed like a disaster in some ways (loss of job as pastor and friends after a very painful process, burnout and various difficulties) has also become a blessing and a new start, a new chance; the beginning of a journey of self-discovery that probably would not have been possible otherwise.

Coming out was the beginning of a whole new life. I was finally free to be, and become whom I’ve always been, and say goodbye to those who’d condemn me for being myself. Also, I could (and had to) work on those voices still inside my head which spoke of hell, and move forward with my life.

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The end is the beginning

After all the things I’ve through this past year (and even a bit more), it is time for a new beginning. I think I’ve already started anew in a number of ways, but I also need to begin anew consciously. Every once in a while, everybody needs a new beginning, traumatizing events or not. Living in a state of regret and fear is tiring, and I don’t want the bitterness about what has happened to me to take hold within me and take space – space that could be filled with beautiful things.

That’s why it is so wonderful that it’s the Jewish New Year, the Days of Awe, and Yom Kippur who are around now – and that I’m jewish. This time is all about new beginnings, and lifting ourselves higher. Some people put others down because they can’t lift themselves up – but this time invites us to do just the opposite, and clean out all that old stuff that hinders us; to clean it out with honesty, authenticity, love and openness, and with goodness towards ourselves and towards the other whom I may have wronged, too.

It is a time to try, and adopt a different perspective and try to see during this time what God sees: a wonderful person with so much potential that just waits to be realized; a person that is unique and precious. New beginnings are there so we can become this person, the person we’ve always wanted to be. We may have messed it up, or circumstances may have messed with our life, people may have hurt us – here is the opportunity to start again.

Where are my roots? What is important to me – truly important? If I look closely, I see that what really matters, is what lies inside. Sometimes it is hidden, but with some training, my eyes will start to see it, just like it takes time to get accustomed to seeing in the dark of a cave – and suddenly you remark a thousand drops of water sparkling and glistening even with only a tiny amount of light.

God, mother and father of my mothers and fathers,

of my sisters and brothers,

of my children:

I come to you with empty hands, and a heart full of memories.

The wheel of the year has completed its round,

And the books lie open before you.

You don’t need my words, my prayers, my cries and me asking for forgiveness

for you already see the whispers, tears, and cries of my heart

But I need them

They liberate me

Liberate me from the wrongs that have been done in either direction,

as I choose to let them go

Letting only You be my Judge, my Creator

means I don’t need to fear the judgement of others,

nor bow down to their opinions

And as I take care of myself,

of my beloved,

of my neighbor,

of your bountiful creation

I have nothting to fear from your Judgement

I can bring alive dreams of peace and love and joy

For to love You

is to bring these into this world.

Partners in Transition

When one partner in a relationship transitions, actually both transition. It is a challenging, but beautiful time, and the one can be a catalyst for the other in a beautiful and enrichening way.

In May 2018, at the very end of the month, my wife (whom I had thought to be my husband of 20 years) finally realized and awakened to her true self, the person she was always meant to be but could never express – neither in words, thoughts, nor actions. There had been fleeting stolen moments of happiness, tiny sparse hidden islands of release, unexplained – but the breaktrough, the realization only happened on that tuesday in may, a late afternoon in a therapists office.

That tuesday afternoon was the starting point of a whole new life for the two of us. What to do, where to go, whom to inform, which direction to take, at which pace?

Stay together or not? That was a question I did not ask myself. It was a question that others from the outside asked me, presuming that I wouldn’t want to live together with a trans woman, or that, once the transition “done”, she would choose a man. Another question that regularly came up immediately was the one about me, whether I would now automatically “become a man”, to continue the traditional heteronormative couple. If I still had hair, I’d have ripped it out out each time…

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A non-binary transition

The non-binary life is a good life – at least for me.

But it also comes, as all lives, with its difficulties and complications: what does a transition look like for a non-binary person? For a binary trans person, the question would seem more or less clear: transition to manifest their male- or femaleness as much as needed, by all means deemed and seen as neccessary and/or available.

Somehow, in a way, I’d say that, as a non-binary person, things are similar, maybe just a bit more complex. There may not be a fix ending point to my transition (but is there really any end to anyone’s transition? We strive to always become more ourselves even if, later on, the steps might become infinitely small or, instead of being outwardly visible steps, are spiritual steps of some kind). But it is also a path of transitioning towards a more true, comfortable version of my self; or rather, bringing into harmony my inner self and what is seen outwardly, and deciding on which steps are needed to get there.

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Trans is Beautiful

Trans is beautiful

like the first rays of the sun glistening on the drops of dew

like a flower opening to show its beauty

like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon

like the brilliant facets of a freshly polished diamond

like a young bird learning to fly

Trans is beautiful

Trans is strong

Trans is precious

Trans is unique

Trans is wonderful



to bring out the true handsome beautiful self

in every creatively possible way


to bring about what was always meant to be,

what has always been,

buried and alive, deep in heart & soul

Trans is beautiful

Trans is handsome

Trans is precious

Trans is blessed

Trans is LOVE.